Saturday, June 4, 2011


Have you ever known something would eventually happen or a day would actually arrive, but completely surprised yourself by your reaction when it actually happened? You thought you had complete control over your emotions and thought that you would accept it as part of life, but you lost complete control? I’ve had that happen to me a lot recently since going through so many life changes over the past six or so months. I knew I was going to graduate from college, and I was ready for it. I was sick of all the studying and ready for the next phase in my life, but as the day drew nearer I began to feel uneasy. What’s next? Then before I knew it, my best friend had her whole room in boxes, and my roommate was knocking on my bedroom door to say goodbye. No, not just for the summer as we had done for the past 3 summers, but for a while.  It was extremely hard to swallow. Then when I realized I was leaving my brothers for who knows how long, I completely lost it. As I packed my car, I had to forget the few errands I had on my list on my way out of town because I was an emotional wreck.

Moving back home included a flood of emotions. Yes, I’m home with my family where my heart is and loving it, but it just feels different this time. Things won’t be as they always have, and cruising around town just has a different feeling. Maybe it’s because I’ve adopted my dad’s big bad Sequoia and have been driving in style. J I almost feel like an outsider because I don’t know how long I will be here and what life will present to me here. I feel like all my friends have got their lives in order with big kid jobs, and know exactly what is next. I think until I am settled into a career and way of life, I will feel unsettled and uncertain, but I also think this is completely natural. I’m pretty sure I feel this type of vulnerability every time I enter the unknown be it traveling somewhere or even going to a small function where I know no one. I think this is God’s way of telling me that I am not  in control. He is, and I just need to trust that he is leading me exactly where I need to be. He’s telling me to slow down and not be so impatient with life to get here. I need not worry about what others are doing and to stop searching for a comfort zone. Sometimes we have to be out there completely uncomfortable and naked in order to find that perfect fit.

That reminds me of some of the best advice I ever got:  old shoes are great, but new ones are even better and sometimes it’s even better to just be barefoot for a while and feel the sand between our toes. We can’t be complacent about life and stuck in our comfort zones! We have to try new things and welcome the unknown with an open heart. 

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